hard

Some days are just hard.  Even now.  Today is one of them.  I don't really want to whine on Facebook, not even to the moms.  Tonight, I just wanted to go out to dinner with someone. Even if it was just for burritos. I guess the time apart from Ian is catching up to me.

I am worried about finding a job.  I look at stuff, and am trying to put a resume together, but it seems like everything I want to do needs me to do something else first.  And I so don't want to look old. Old = unemployable. 

Things are falling apart at the house, and I have no funds to fix things. I have enough money to get me through the end of may, maybe the first part of June, but if I'm not doing something by then, I'm going to be hosed.  I don't even know what I need to wear.  If I wear jeans, I look uninterested, but if I wear even a cotton knit, do I look old and dated?  How about rayon pants and a loose fitting jacket? Perhaps linen is better?  I just don't know anymore.  I am so scared.  And so alone. and just feeling unloved. I went to post a picture for "thowback thursday" last week, and realized that all my old pictures had dead people in them. Even my happiest moments are somehow sad. Which makes me even sadder. And my monitor broke, which meant I had to spend money to get a new one.  And my printer is broken - the nice one anyway - and I *don't* have money to get a new printer.

At least Ian has a job for the summer, I think. That will be good.

Happy Twenty-Third, Ken

February 29, 1992

Twenty-three years ago today (more or less - we got married on February 29th), Ken and I promised "to love and to cherish .... 'til death do us part." And while we both figured Ken would probably predecease me, I wasn't quite figuring on it being only nineteen years later. And while I still feel like a part of me is missing, I have gone on living, even without him.  But rather than spend today mourning his death, I am choosing to celebrate the life we had together for those nineteen years.

Many people have wondered how we got along so well, when we were supposedly so different. I got along with people just fine, while he was one tick away from hermit on the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator).  We got along well and made it work because we both decided we would.  When you both decide, at the deepest level, that you are committed to your spouse and to making things work, then it will.  Because by being so deeply committed, you know that you can bend when necessary to make things work.

This doesn't mean you have to continually do things you don't like in order to please the other person. It means you understand that the other person likes different things than you, and that's OK.  As an example, I like all kinds of music, but I like rock & popular vocal music best.  Ken hated everything but instrumental concert music.  So rather than me insisting that he go with me to see John Mayer or Mark Knopfler, he was happy to let me go alone or with my friends (and later Ian).  I hate most 20th century experimental concert music-it agitates me no end, and by the end of the piece I am ready to scream.  So when he wanted to listen to it or play it, I just found something to do out of earshot. No nasty remarks on my part, and he would let me know when he was done, if I wanted to come back. And we looked for compromises that we could do together - in our case it was a classical guitar concert series that we would get season tickets to every year.

Claudia over Ken's shoulder,  2001

We understood what the other was like, and didn't try to change them (well, except for Ken's glasses - the ugly nerd glasses had to go!).  Ken was way over on the Thinker side of the MBTI, and I was just as far over on the Feeling side.  I remember him once telling me that he didn't understand why (xxxx) made me so upset, but he knew that it did, and that the best thing for him to do was to hold me when (xxxx) happened.  I knew that his logical mind (think Mr. Spock) would not get the nuances of human interaction, so I acted as a translater and protector when we were in social situations. There was many a time when I ran interference at a party where he was sitting cross-armed in the corner, staring somewhat up at the ceiling or writing in his notebook.  The host/ess would start over to see if he was all right, and try to get him to mingle.  I would have to intercept them and tell them that really, honestly, he was fine.  And he was.  His mind was a million miles away thinking of some relational programming or some such.  And I remember, when we moved to the house, telling my new neighbors not to think Ken was snubbing them because he didn't say hello back when they said hello, because to Ken, SmallTalk was a computer language.

We had many things in common too.  We both disliked team sports. Because we were both from southeastern Michigan, we had very similar moral codes when we were growing up. We loved playing Pinochle with his dad, and playing cribbage and other games just the two of us.  Winning against him was hard, but well worth the effort.  His dad and I would gang up on him in Pinochle, and we'd still lose 4 games out of 5. We both disliked hot weather, and too much sunshine, and loved the cool, foggy coast. We were both technology dinks, although he was more extreme than I was (I still have my original Palm Pilot!). We loved fast cars, good wines and beautiful places.

And we both loved to cook!  We would work together in the kitchen, one of us helping the other (if needed), and when Ian was old enough, we got him a small chef's knife (4") so he could help too.  It was a family affair.  We were always looking for something new and different to try, and my 6' bookcase full of cookbooks attests to that. He used to make us breakfast every morning.  I still miss having him making tea for me, although I did teach Ian how to do it :-).

We made sure we had time to be together even after Ian was born.  While I was still working, that time was when we commuted together to and from work. The half hour or so in the morning and afternoon was uninterruptible time for us to just talk and chat. I don't think either of us realized how much we liked that until I quit working in 2001.

Picking up the Corvette - April 16, 2008

And while we pretty much did everything together, even mundane things like grocery shopping and getting the mail, we had our own things we did as well.  Ken loved working in wood, and built himself a woodshop in the garage.  I loved to paint, and spent many hours with my watercolors. We supported each other's hobbies, me getting him the Bridge City Tool Works tools that he loved, and him doing his best to get me what I said I wanted.



Which leads me into another adaption we made.  Ken was hopeless at trying to think up presents for me.  He never had a clue about what to get me for birthday, anniversary, mother's day, or christmas.  So rather than complain about him not getting me a present, I simply gave him a list of different things I wanted, and let him pick.  Eventually he got to the point where he might get something on his own, but I understood that this was an almost impossible task for him.  Amazon was a godsend, especially after they put in the wishlists.

Ian's Birthday @Benihana's - Sept. 30, 2010

When Ian came, Ken was a loving and patient father.  He changed diapers, fed Ian, played with him, read to him, and talked to him from the time he was a baby.  To be honest, I think he was happier once Ian started to speak and think logically, because then Ken could share all the things in his world with his son. They made little soapbox derby cars together in cub scouts, and when Ian started music theory lessons, they would talk about that day's lesson all the way back home.  Ken helped Ian understand the symphonic and concert music Ian was learning in orchestra.  When we decided to home school Ian, Ken took over teaching him mathematics, using the book series he always wanted to have Ian learn from.  He was a stern teacher, in that he required Ian finish the problems and that his work be presentable and understandable.  But Ken was far more interested in how Ian came to the answer, not whether it was the right answer.  He shared his love of Mathematics with Ian, and through it taught Ian how to go about finding the answers to something he didn't know, not just repeating rote.

Ken was incredibly even-tempered and patient. In fact, I think the only time I ever saw him yell was when my mother was verbally abusing me (she verbally and emotionally abused me her whole life, and even when she had dementia, she seemed to know what to say that would hurt the most).  I was curled up on the steps to the upstairs of my house, crying, and she lashed into me about not helping her enough after my dad died.  Ken came in from the garage, took one look at the situation, and yelled at her that she didn't listen when I tried to help her.  Not only that, he told her that she was NOT allowed to speak to HIS WIFE like that in HIS HOUSE - EVER!  I just stared, not believing what I was seeing and hearing. My mother, insulted, packed up and left immediately, and we didn't hear from her for almost six months. And she never abused me when he was around again. I was in shock. No one, except for my father, had EVER stood up for me against her.

Ken at Sun/Oracle, early 2011

He taught me many things as well.  Patience was one of the big ones.  Learning to dig myself out when I was overwhelmed.  "Just do one thing.  Pick one thing and do it.  Don't think about any of the other things, just pick one you can do right now, and do it.  When you finish that, pick another thing you can do right now.  If you only get two things done, then that's still two more than you had done before." It is something that I have had to go back to so many times.


But in spite of all the thinking, hermit-like traits, he could also be very philosophical.  When we discovered he had renal cell carcinoma (kidney cancer), he wrote to one of his longtime friends:

"We must ultimately remember that the universe is fundamentally random: bad things happen to good people all the time for no reason.  I think that is more comforting than other concepts: there is no blame on gods, or behavior, or thought.  Bad s**t happens.  Perhaps the best mark of western civilization is that we don't accept this: we fight back with every weapon available, and are constantly working to improve the odds against an uncaring, random universe."

I didn't get to have Ken for as long as I would have liked, but our time together was well-spent and full of love, happiness, music, and great thinking.  And a few very bad puns.

Everyone at the wedding. Bodega Bay Lodge, February 29, 1992

Pretty good day

Today was actually pretty good.  We went to the therapist (Ian and I), had a nice lunch at Armadillo Willie's, stopped at the bakery for some yummy treats, spent an hour in the library (Ian working through his SAT vocab. flashcards), went to my Dr. appointment where I found my blood pressure was 122/70, and that I'd lost 4 pounds.  Go me.  Came home and watched a new animé with Ian - lots of snarky students in it, so it's good, then he and I made dinner.  He made the fruit salad since we had nice strawberries, blueberries, and cantaloupe.  I discovered we had 7 (!) avocados so I made guacamole with 3 of them and the last of the organic tomatoes from Pescadero.  Also yum.  We heated up the chicken and used it as our meat for fajitas.  Now I am full and happy.

Just traded our winter light-blue dishes for our summer golden dishes.  They look sharp against the dark purple of the spring dishes. I have 4 place-settings of dishes for each season - usually we have two out at a time, but in an emergency we can have all 16 if necessary.  Tomorrow Ian is driving himself up to class so I don't have to. Yay.  All good.  But now, it is after midnight and time for me to head for bed.  G'night world.

Clockwork Alchemy 2013, day one

Well, we are here. And by we, I mean Ian and myself. Left home two hours later than I wanted to and got into a bit of traffic on the way here, but nothing awful. Most of it was going the other way.

This is our second year going to Clockwork Alchemy, the steampunk con that is with FanimeCon in San Jose. Last year was fun enough to want to come back, and this year is even better. Lots and lots more things to do, including a steampunk film festival that started with two really, really bad movies tonight. I had wanted to go to the Dealer's room (aka shopping) tonight, but it closed at 6 and Ian wanted to eat so he could get to a seminar at 7. So, I will have to go tomorrow morning. No biggie. I was a little miffed when he couldn't find where the Fairmont was for his seminar. I thought it was right off the Convention Center, but maybe not.

Our room is sort of nice. It is big, and the beds are comfy enough, but they used that cleaning stuff that smells like overbearing sweet flowers, and I can hardly stand the smell, not to mention that it makes my asthma act up. Good thing I brought my inhaler with me. We have a small balcony several floors up on the pool side, so I have the window open. Between the people in the pool, the people in the hot tub, and the airplanes, it is a bit noisy, but it beats that horrid smell.

I've already seen bunches of wonderful Steampunk costumes, and am looking forward to many more tomorrow. It is the same as I noticed last year - the steampunk people are a little bit older than the fanime people. Of course, this year it's a bit harder to tell the steampunk folks from the fanime folks since the theme for fanime this year is Gothic Anime. We thought we'd be seeing a lot of Black Butler stuff, but so far not much. Of course, we are not at the main fanime hotel, and it is only friday night.

Tomorrow I want to go to the shops, then a talk on the "Real Brothers Grimm", then to "Introduction to LARPing" I know about LARP, but they are doing a 3 hour LARP later in the day that I want to go to, and I have a feeling that this session will be focused on that afternoon LARP. Saturday night is Emperor Norton's Ball, I will probably make at least an appearance at that. I missed it last year and it was probably a mistake. If I decide not to go to the LARP, then I can go see "Steamboy" at the movies. They are showing movies all day & evening though, so that's kind of a backup plan for anything.

And in case you are wondering, I am using a wireless (bluetooth) keyboard with my iPad, otherwise I would never write this much. More tomorrow.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Yep, it's Monday

Can I get off the roller coaster now?  I've had enough ups and downs for one day.  Ugh.

Up: Yay, the medicine cabinet is in and it looks fine indeed.

Down: We didn't pass final inspection because the guy that came out didn't like the light switches. 

Up: The Corvette is cleaned, oiled, recharged (oil), and the fobs are fixed.

Down: We had to crawl up into the rafters to get the car cover down.

Up: the Corvette is now on the battery minder, in the garage, with the nice car cover on, after being gently gone over with a thing that looks like a small floor mop with a handle so that all the dust and dirt that got on the car between the dealer and home is gone.

Down: We were once again turned away from the DMV for not having the correct paperwork.  Seems the piece we need is the "other" version of what we had.

Up: We didn't have to wait in what looked like a two-hour line for his driving test.

Down: Earliest date now is April 4th. 

yeesh. Is it Friday yet? Wait - no - I still have homework to do.  Thursday is good. yes, I'll dream about Thursday.

Needs

Today was supposed to be a good day.  Ian was supposed to take his driving test (which we are sure he will pass), so I can stop having to drive him everywhere six days a week.  But there was some form that we didn't have because the DMV took it when he got his learner's permit, and now they want it again, so I have to go contact his driving school and have them send it to me.  In the meantime, the DMV will not even let him take his driving test, so we had to reschedule.  Except the next available appointment isn't until March 8th.  Which we are going to have to move to March 12th because I have class on the 8th (the grant writing class). Feel like taking a long walk off a short cliff after days like this.  

And I am not sleeping because I can't use my CPAP until I have another sleep study which doesn't happen until the 25th.  I'm supposed to be at art group on wednesdays which I can't do because I need to have ian to school at 10 and I can't do that and be in SF at 10 as well. Tuesdays doesn't work because then I have to go up to SF for art, get home just in time to take my stuff out and throw Ians cello in and turn around and go right back up again.  Mondays he has lab all day.  I'm supposed to finish my painting.  I'm supposed to get the back taxes taken care of. I'm supposed to figure out what to do with the main bathroom non-medicine chest.  

All I want to do is sleep.  I am so f-ing tired all the time it's a good thing Ian can drive with me just in the car.  I'm pretty useless otherwise.  I start to get ready for bed at 11:30 and at 2:30 I'm still up because there was so much stuff that had to get done - dishes in the dishwasher (they were starting to smell), putting enough clean clothes away/sorted to I can find my bed, trying to get the printer working again since the airport to which it was connected no longer is in the network. (fortunately it has wireless, so it's now wirelessly connected to another router).  

I need to haul all the junk out of the garage so I can get the corvette in.  And figure out what to do with my old dishes.  And get the carpet cleaned.  Hell, need to get the house cleaned.  Need to start working on getting the floors replaced.  Need to find out why Rocky is so fat. Need to spend 20 minutes on the treadmill a day.  Need to sleep more.  Need to read the stuff for my class.  Need to get the house shoveled out enough so we can see the surfaces of tables again.  Need to go grocery shopping.  Need to make a list so I can go grocery shopping.  The list just keeps going on.  Need to have Ken here to help me so I can get stuff done.  Need to not think about our anniversary coming up in two weeks that is going to get lost in the rush.  Need to figure out what to do with the kitchen.  Need to look over the budget.  

Need to make sure Ian is on track with his studies.  Need to make sure he's also on track with COSMOS (summer program).  Need to make sure he's on track for financial aid.  Need to get the taxes paid so I can get the house & stuff in trust so Ian is eligible for scholarships. Need to get him signed up for SAT & ACT tests.  Need to get him a new passport.  The list keeps growing longer.  Every time I cross one off, two more show up at the bottom. I keep trying to keep my head down and just do one thing at a time, but it's not working.  I'm walking on cracked eggshells with a bomb under most of them.  And when I'm stressed I eat.  Which I'm not supposed to do because I'm allergic to just about everything but steak and potatoes, and those take too long to cook. Need to get the christmas decorations put up in the garage. Need to get the laundry done.  Need to get the recycle cardboard that is overflowing in our house to the recycle yard.  Need another week in February.  I keep telling myself to be thankful its not snowing, but if it was, maybe I'd get something done.

treading water

I seem to be surviving this month.  Not without pain, or without completely bombing out on some things, but I'm almost OK.  The big problem now is lack of sleep.  Oh, sure, I do get to bed at a reasonable hour (usually), and even get to "sleep" fairly quickly (when you're exhausted, you kind of do that). BUT, because I am off my CPAP machine for another couple weeks, I'm not really sleeping that much.  Without the CPAP, I can rarely get beyond stage II sleep.  Today was a good example.  I was in bed before midnight last night, and woke up at 9am.  I was so tired though that I was worried I wasn't going to be able to drive Ian to school. I did manage, but just barely.  Found a spot in the student lot and went back to sleep in the car for another two hours, then went off to lunch, came back and slept ANOTHER 2 hours.  And I'm yawning as I write this (just a bit past midnight).

I did manage to get the program done on Saturday, well, early Sunday morning actually, but I made it.  Had a great time at my friend's son's birthday party, but still got home at a decent time.  Ian had a chemistry test today. Tomorrow, in what seems like a bit of an oxymoron, I am going to skip art class so I can stay home and paint. But I need to be able to not have to do all the other stuff that goes along with painting class tomorrow, because Ian's concert is tomorrow evening.  Then Wednesday he has class at 10 again, and then has his driving test in the afternoon.  With any luck, he will have his license by Wednesday evening. Thursday is hairdresser for me, Friday is Ian class & then a gig in the City.

I still have to finish my painting, and get my blurb written up.  Also have to do something for the medicine chest in Ian's bathroom, and order the shower rod. And shower curtain.  I also need to go through the wine I have and see what I can donate for the GGP auction. If I can get enough out of the vinoteque, maybe I can get the stuff from the den into it.  Which would mean I could get the media storage set up where the wine is now, which means I can get rid of more boxes in the front room and make room for the exercise equipement.  I also need to get the carpet cleaned.  It is awful right now.

At least it's not snowing.